Do You "Have To" Or Do You "Want To"?

By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com Guides

Watch how often you use the words "have-to" and "want-to" when talking with your spouse.

When you say you have to do something, do you really have to do it, or is it something you want to do?

We started watching how we used the terms "have-to" and "want-to" quite a few years ago in our own marriage. There really is a difference in saying "We have to visit my parents this weekend" versus saying "I want us to visit my parents this weekend."

And that difference really isn't subtle.

Saying he doesn't like "the idea of obligation in relationships," Mark White explains why he doesn't like "using the words 'owe,' 'expect,' 'deserve,' or 'rights' when talking to the person I love." We would add saying 'you have to ...' to the list.

We agree with Mark White that there is a problem in marriage when "Partners 'have' to do what's 'expected' of them, they 'have' to live up to 'agreements' or 'bargains,' and so on.

No longer are obligations fulfilled out of love for the other person; now they're duties, tasks, things to be crossed off a list or to be recalled on a future occasion for strategic advantage ('remember when I took your mother to her podiatrist's appointment?').

Just as the relationship or commitment has lost its value and seems like a mere burden, so do the obligations connected to it; now, you're obliged to do the things you happily did in the past ... I shudder to imagine telling the person I love that she 'owes' me something, or that I 'deserve' something from her (or vice versa).

If we love and appreciate each other, as implied by the internal view on our relationship, then we'll do these things naturally. And if we reach the stage at which we have to start 'reminding' each other what we deserve or expect, I'll know there's something wrong, that we've gotten off track--and that we truly owe it to each other to sit back and talk about things. Our relationship would deserve no less." Source: Mark D. White, Ph.D. "What Do We 'Owe' Our Partners? Obligation in Relationships." PsychologyToday.com. 8/13/2010.

Watching how you use the terms "have-to" and "want-to" would probably be helpful in communicating with your spouse in our experience.