Women have heard men on countless occasions say, "I understand." With those two simple words, men think they are being supportive by indicating that they are listening and further that they are connecting with what she is feeling.

What men don't realize is that on Venus (for women), you cannot understand until you have heard it all.

A woman thinks a man is not listening when he presumes to understand what she is feeling.

What guys also don't get when they are saying that they understand is that it's very possible that they actually sound both dismissive and insulting. What "I understand" often sounds like is: "I got it already. You don't have to tell me any more. Please, can we move on?"

Unfortunately, even though his intentions may be good, the average guy has no idea how insulting, and yes, patronizing, the old "I understand" can actually sound.

In Martian speak by saying he understands how she feels he is saying that he is motivated to help in some way and has heard enough to suggest a solution.

What a Venusian hears is "I don't want to listen anymore. Let's either do something now, or please change the subject."

In fact, women have a much greater tolerance for emotional distress. With that higher threshold, before they ever feel that something has to be done or said, they can patiently listen to another woman's distress (or a man's for that matter) without feeling any urgency to do something or to fix anything.

A man hears a problem and he immediately wants to do something about it. For him, when she shares her feelings, he thinks she is just alerting him to the fact that there is a problem that he is supposed to solve. It simply doesn't occur to the average male that what she really wants is for him to simply listen patiently.

In this example, when women think that men are not listening, it is actually more accurate to conclude the following:  that a man listened but incorrectly assumed that he knew all that she was feeling. Additionally, he is also assuming that she was seeking his suggestion about a solution (wanting him to "fix it"). Actually and more importantly she was hoping he would hear all of her feelings before sharing his point of view.

So what's a Martian to do? Well, instead of saying I understand, he can assure a woman that he is listening by nodding his head and occasionally making little sounds like, "Umhumm." On Venus, these small reassuring gestures mean, "I am listening and wanting to understand what you are saying."

On Mars men don't normally do this in conversation because it indicates his agreement and support of what is being said as opposed to simply taking in what he is hearing.

The differing styles of communicating on both Mars and Venus is an endless source of friction. The most important lesson for men here is to recognize that male and female communication patterns differ in a variety of ways. One of the most critical involves the art of listening.

 

Practice patience, men, and take the time to hear everything that is being said.
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