Our Arguing Is On Automatic Pilot
By Michele Weiner-Davis
Human beings are creatures of habit. Most of the time, we're on automatic pilot. We sleep on the same side of the bed every night. We sit in the same chair at our dining room table. We take the same route to work each day.
Being on automatic pilot is not necessarily a bad thing. Habitual responses are economical. They allow us to go through our lives without having to concentrate on what we're doing.
But being on automatic pilot is a problem when relationship difficulties arise. If you act like a robot when you and your partner are at odds with each other, it could really be disastrous and most of the time it is.
During stressful times, spouses argue about the same old subjects, in the same way, often at the same time of day. We do it unconsciously. To break out of this use the "Try Something Different" approach. Novelty is a wake-up call; any change in routine - a change in your actions, your approach, the setting, the timing of disputes - can get people out of their hypnotic trance and has the potential of yielding different results. Here's an example....
Janet and Jonathan argued about money every Friday night when they returned home from work. Because they started out their weekend with an argument, the rest of the weekend was miserable. This had been going on for months. Jonathan finally decided to do something different in hopes of having a pleasant weekend for a change.
Friday night rolled around and Janet initiated the usual conversation about money. Jonathan said, "I want to talk to you about this, but I would prefer waiting until Sunday. Is that all right with you?" Surprised by his response, Janet simply said, "Okay, whatever."
They decided to go out for dinner together on Friday night and, for the first time in months, had a really good time as a couple. On Saturday, they decided to go shopping together for furniture and again had an enjoyable time. By Sunday, they were feeling better about each other than they had for a long time, which probably explains why, when Janet brought up the money issues on Sunday night, they were able to resolve their differences. A simple change in the time they discussed their heated issue allowed them to find a solution.
Here is part of a letter I received from a man who decided to be creative about frequent arguments he was having with his wife.
Last week when Sue arrived we talked about how we could better resolve our conflicts. I took your "do something different" suggestion and told my wife that if we are determined to fight, we would have to do it without our clothes on. This would eliminate fighting in shopping malls, family gatherings, while walking down the street or any place outside in our winters. Since our five children are no longer at home, we agreed to try it.
The inevitable happened and we started an argument. I decided to go for it. Now, if we were younger and trim, then shedding our clothes could be a pleasant distraction that would make us forget what we were arguing about. On the other hand, lumpy, saggy bodies can be quite funny, but what happened was better than either.
I got right into the argument and at the same time began peeling off clothes and throwing them emphatically on the floor of the laundry room to punctuate the very serious points I was making in my case. Meanwhile, Sue was taken aback. "You are serious!" she said. I agreed and continued making my case as socks, shirt, pants and underwear hit the floor. Sue started to laugh. She laughed until tears ran down her cheeks. I laughed too, but I continued discussing the issue. We soon found ourselves in complete agreement!
In the past few days, we have laughed again and again about the hilarious image. Sue said she will never be able to keep a straight face in an argument again. I cannot even remember what the argument was about now. I just know it was the best one we ever had.
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God bless your family and your marriage.
Jim Stephens