What Happens When Love Dies?

By Amy Waterman

When you don't put effort into your relationship, love dies.

Remember that a marriage either grows or weakens. Think of your marriage like a plant: if you fertilize it, water it, and notice when it is unhealthy, it will thrive. If you leave it to grow on its own, without any attention, it will wither.

One of the most common marital complaints is that, "We're not in love anymore." There are numerous people who file for divorce with the explanation, "I don't love my spouse anymore." Where does love go and how can you get it back?

Let me address the second question first. If you're the partner who's lost those loving feelings, there's a simple and effective answer to your question. Get it back by loving your partner.

I first came across this method ten years ago. Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, tells us that love isn't a feeling; it's an action.

If you don't feel warm and affectionate towards your partner, ask yourself a simple question: are you acting warmly and affectionately towards your partner? If not, there's your solution.

You cannot maintain feelings of love and affection unless you consistently act in a loving way towards your partner. This means that you listen to your partner. You compliment and verbally appreciate your partner. You think of a million and one ways to show your partner how much you respect, admire, trust, and believe in him or her. Maybe you give your partner a card on obscure holidays; maybe you surprise your partner by washing his or her car, or by initiating a back rub on a quiet weekday night.

You may not be able to change your feelings by pure force of will, but you can change your behavior.

Luckily, changing your behavior is often all it takes to change your feelings. If you don't love your partner anymore, love your partner even more.

It's not a contradiction. Act out the love that you want to feel.