Busting the Seven Myths of a Christian Marriage - Part 3

By Judy Bodmer

One couple thought being Christians would save them from marital problems. Their naive beliefs made everything worse.

What had happened to us? Two years before, when we'd committed our lives to Jesus Christ, Larry and I had been like newlyweds again. I was sure with God as our partner, our journey through life would be smooth. But it wasn't.

But it wasn't until we realized how naive we'd been-thinking that because we were Christians our marriage would be perfect-were we able to uncover the myths we'd bought into. While we realized many of these myths were well-meaning, they were destroying our marriage! After that weekend, Larry and I spent several years blasting these seven myths and uncovering the truth. Here's what we discovered.

(continued from last Thursday)

Myth #5 Christian couples don't fight.

I thought "peace" meant no fighting and so I denied my negative feelings. I'd let things build until I exploded over something trivial.

Here's the truth: It's okay to fight. In the Bible it says, "In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold" (Ephesians 4:26-27). At that weekend retreat, we were challenged to bring up whatever was bothering us within 24 hours or forget it. When I got home, I decided to try it. At breakfast Larry sat reading the paper, ignoring me. It bothered me that the paper seemed more important than I did. In the past I would've buried my anger, but instead I said, "I feel angry that you're reading the paper instead of talking to me." To my amazement, Larry put down the paper, apologized, and we had a nice conversation while we ate our cereal. I was pleased it worked so well. Of course, it didn't always, but just saying the words, "I feel angry," helped defuse much of the feelings I'd been carrying around for so many years. It was like keeping the blackboard wiped clean. And then when we did argue, it was over one subject, not ten.

Myth #6 I need to pray for God to change my husband.

I spent much time in prayer begging God to change my husband. I knew we'd be happy if only Larry were different. But to my dismay, as much as I prayed, I didn't see any significant changes in him.

The truth is: God wants to change me first. My prayer life changed dramatically after I finally got the message of Matthew 7:1-5: I was a hypocrite, trying to take the speck out of my husband's eye, when all the time I had this log in my own eye. That log was so huge I couldn't see what I was doing to my husband. God revealed to me that my judgmental attitude drove Larry away and hurt him deeply, the exact opposite of what I wanted.

That day I prayed a new way. I prayed for God to reveal my sins. As he did, I asked him to forgive me and to help me change. Instead of shame, I felt clean and whole. Slowly, God peeled off layers of old, rotten thinking, and beliefs and bitterness that were destroying my marriage. I began to "see" my husband in a new light and told him of the positive things I saw in him. This encouraged Larry and helped him grow into a godlier husband. It also allowed me to accept some of his "faults" that I never thought I could.

Myth #7 My husband should be stronger in his faith than I am.

Early in our Christian walk, a woman told me that when her husband became a Christian he instantly became patient, loving, and romantic. I looked at Larry and wondered why his conversion hadn't made a bigger difference in our marriage. I decided it was because he wasn't spiritual enough, and so I began a mission of helping him grow in his faith. I gave him books, left him notes, and dragged him to all sorts of conferences and seminars.

But the truth is: We each grow toward Christ in our own way and time. I was critical of my husband's lack of spiritual leadership, which caused me to push and Larry to retreat. Finally, God convicted me that I wasn't responsible for Larry's spiritual life. It was hard, but I backed off. That's when Larry felt God calling him to get serious about his relationship with Christ and he grew in leaps and bounds. While it took time, now Larry's the strong leader and loving husband I've always wanted.

Larry and I survived those early years of mythical thinking. Now, after 33 years of marriage, Larry makes my coffee every morning, prays with me, listens to my gripes, gives me encouragement in my struggles, and accepts all my quirky ways. It hasn't been the easy journey I thought it would be, but our love is richer for having struggled. I thank God every day for the reality of my marriage.

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Judy Bodmer, author of When Love Dies (Word Publishing), lives in Washington state.

2002 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine.