Women and Men Say "I'm Sorry" Differently
By Dr. Scott Haltzman
According to Deborah Tannen's book: "I Only Say This Because I Love You," men just don't say: "I'm sorry" as readily as women do. However, it's more complicated than just a man's ego, though.
Tannen points out that women often use the phrase in a complementary fashion. If a woman wishes an apology from a friend, then sometimes she has to extend an olive branch first. Like a handshake in a greeting, her female counterpart recognizes the wish for reconciliation, and responds in kind.
Women talk to build rapport, so using words to express mutual apology between women can be totally natural.
When a woman turns to a man and expects an apology, particularly if she offers one herself, she's often shocked, disappointed, and confused about why her man is so stubborn.
But, spend a few moments in a man's frame of mind, and you may understand why this is. For men, talk (like so many interactions) is about hierarchy and one-upsmanship. When a man apologizes, he doesn't look at it as a way of bonding, he looks at it as losing stature.
Another reason that men are wary about the S-word (Sorry) is because of a heartfelt belief that talk is cheap. "What good does it do to apologize," they reason, "it doesn't change a thing." Spoken like a man. Saying "I'm sorry" just seems like an easy way out for them, and they won't insult their wives by even trying.
Yet often a husband may apologize and wives may not even be hearing it; it will come from his actions. Women, did you ever have an argument with your husband, and after you blow your top, suddenly you see him polishing your car or emptying the dishwasher.
The message here is that men may not be inclined to use words of apology, but they still feel a very strong need to reconnect with their wives after an argument.
Be Well,
DrHaltzman@SecretsofMarriedMen.com
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