Pat Love, co-author of the new book, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, is past president of the International Association for Marriage and Family Counseling. She's interested in new brain science, how it has documented the differences between men and women, and how understanding those differences can help improve marriages without talking.
1. Think connection, not communication.
Women talk to connect, but men connect to talk. When a man is connected he will talk just as much as a woman. MRI studies show that women get a dopamine rush and a boost in the feel-good hormone oxytocin from talking.
2. Respect the male way of connecting.
It helps to use the acronym "ROCK STAR." "STAR" is the man. "S" is for sex, which floods the body with oxytocin, and it takes a lot of that for men to feel bonded. "T" is for touch. Men need two to three times more touching than a woman to feel that same bonding from oxytocin. "A" is for appreciation. Women don't understand how much it pleases a man to please her. "R" is routine. Men love routine. Don't start a deep conversation when he's in his routine of reading The Wall Street Journal.
3. Respect the female way of connection
This is the "ROCK" acronym. "R" is for routinely making connection with her. Build that into your routine. Brush your teeth, kiss your wife, pour your coffee, pour her coffee. "O" is open your heart to her. Women are sensitive to isolation, silence, neglect and deprivation. Let her know what you're thinking and feeling. You can e-mail, text message, or leave a rose on her pillow. "C" is contact. Consciously keep contact in your mind. "K" is "keep it positive." A male's voice is designed for roaring, and they don't realize how scary roaring is for women.
4. Be aware that your silence scares her.
Women's coping style is to "tend and befriend." When stressed, they want to reach out. So when a man is silent and busy, even if he's bustling to make money for the family, she feels anxious. It evokes fear and pain in her.
5. Know that he's afraid of looking weak.
Men are sensitive to feeling inadequate and disappointing you. It's a cortisol dump for them and activates the same part of the brain as when they feel physical pain. If you just honor each other's vulnerabilities, you can improve any relationship without talking about it.
