Daily Tips from The Marriage Library
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Does Love Mean Not Having To Say "I'm Sorry"
 
By Gary Chapman
 
Oct. 1, 2010                                                                                                        Issue 422
Summary of this article
 
Did you see the movie, Love Story? If so, what did you think of that last line about "Love means not having to say you're sorry". Even then in 1970, 40 years ago, it seemed so phony to me. Now we have lots more research and evidence showing what real love is. 
 
Jim 
Does Love Mean Not Having To Say "I'm Sorry"
 
By Gary Chapman
 
In the movie Love Story, one of the final lines is "Love means never having to say, 'I'm sorry.'"
 
Did the movie get it right?  I don't think so, for one simply reason - we are all human.  And humans are not perfect. All of us end up hurting the persons we love most. Having a good marriage does not demand perfection, but it does require us to apologize when we fail. 
 
When I say "I'm sorry," I'm expressing regret that my words or behavior have brought pain to you. When is the last time you said, "I'm sorry," to your husband or wife? If it's been a while, then you probably owe them an apology. Love means always being willing to say, "I'm sorry."  
 
There's more to an apology than saying "I'm sorry."
 
Perhaps you have said, "I'm sorry," but your spouse is finding it hard to forgive you. So you feel frustrated and are saying to yourself, "I apologized what else can I do?" If you really want to break down the barriers, ask your spouse this question: "What can I do to make this up to you? I know I hurt you and I feel badly about it, but I want to make it right. I feel like I want to do something to show you that I love you." 
 
This is far more powerful than simply saying "I'm sorry." Here you are trying to make restitution. You are trying to demonstrate that you really care about your relationship.  After all, what your spouse wants to know is "are you sincere in your apology?"

What are you sorry for exactly?
 
When you apologize to your spouse, what do you say? For many the answer is: "I'm sorry." But do you tell them what you are sorry for? An apology has more impact when it's specific. "I'm sorry that I got home late. I know that you worked hard to be ready on time, and I show up 15 minutes late. I feel badly that I've made you wait. I hope you will forgive me and we can still have a good evening." This kind of apology communicates that you are aware that your behavior inconvenienced your spouse and that you feel badly about it.
 
Never say this.
 
Here's one that you should never use.  "I'm sorry that you got hurt." That shifts the blame to your spouse. It says, "If you weren't so sensitive, everything would be all right." Far better to say, "I'm sorry that my behavior hurt you."   
 
Eliminate the "But..." Otherwise it's blaming.
 
"I'm sorry, but if you had not provoked me, I would not have lost my temper." That is not an apology. It is blaming your spouse for your poor behavior. Sincere regret needs to stand alone. It should not be followed with "But..." One husband said, "Her apologies always come across as attacks on me. She says she's sorry, but then she turns around and blames me. To me that's not an apology."
 
How about you? When you say, "I'm sorry," do you use the word "but"? If so, then you're not apologizing. You are blaming. You are creating resentment inside your spouse. They have a hard time forgiving you because in their mind you are not apologizing. In the future, try eliminating the "buts".  
 
Taking responsibility for your behavior and ask forgiveness.
 
Sometimes we hurt people and don't realize it. It certainly was not intentional. Good marriages are fostered by expressing regret even when we didn't intend to hurt them. If you bump someone getting off an elevator, you probably say, "I'm sorry."  Why would you not do this with your spouse?
 
You may not realize that your behavior has upset your spouse, but when it becomes apparent, then you can say, "I'm sorry that my behavior caused you so much pain. I didn't intend to hurt you, but I know I did. I feel badly about it, and I hope you will forgive me." 
 
Sincere apologies make it easier for your husband or wife to forgive you. You don't have to be perfect to have a good marriage. But you must deal with your failures. Successful apologies are a key ingredient to a loving marriage.
 
____________________________________________
 
God bless your marriage and family.
 
Jim Stephens
 

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