Successful marriages don't have a guaranteed "happily ever after", and they don't just happen - they're a process, a never-ending work in progress.

However, the solid ones tend to have several traits in common.

"Happily married couples behave like good friends," said Doyle Hamilton III, a licensed marriage and family therapist with the Care and Counseling Center of Georgia. "What I typically see as a counselor is that couples that are in crisis or conflict have somehow gotten off track from the friendship factor."

"Couples that endure accept one another as they are," said Elaine Gibson, a licensed marriage and family therapist and director of the Marriage and Family Training Institute of the Link Counseling Center, in Sandy Springs, Ga.

"What I see is a mutual respect. Even when they're coming in for therapy, they're usually upset about something, but the marriage stays together," she said. "You really accept the other person for who they are; you're not trying to change them. There may be things you don't like, but you're not judging that person; you're accepting that person."

Respect can permit each person in the marriage to grow and change without threatening the partner.

"It seems like there's certainly a huge getting used to each other that goes on forever," Davis said. "Living day to day, your life changes. Maybe that's a part of allowing each other to grow, allowing each other to change. If you don't change, that would be kind of boring."

Marriage and family therapists agree that long marriages don't endure by accident - the partners make a commitment to resolve their problems.

"For those people who stay married for a lifetime, divorce would be unthinkable," said Dr. Frank S. Pittman III, an Atlanta psychiatrist and author of several books about marriage, including "Grow Up!: How Taking Responsibility Can Make You a Happy Adult" (St. Martin's Press).

"We don't talk about it, we don't think about it, and it's never threatened. There's really a difference between those people who come in talking about divorce and those people who come in talking about some problem."

Who'd have thunk it? Common courtesy plays a big role in happy marriages, too. "People who are permanently married are polite to one another. They don't want to hurt one another's feelings, and they don't try to make the other one feel humiliated," Pittman said. "People who are married for life are extremely kind to one another."

Arguments are a natural part of any relationship, but cruelty is not, he said. Above all, happily married partners see each other as allies, not as adversaries.

"You can't be right and married at the same time," Pittman said. "If you're trying to be right and prove your partner wrong, you've stepped outside the marriage."

Even when disagreements don't get resolved so smoothly, happy couples know how to reconnect with each other, Gibson said. "After they have a blowup, one of them will approach the other and say, 'Would you like to watch this TV show?' Or, 'Would you like to go out to dinner?'" she said. "If they've developed sufficiently and know they are going to get beyond the fight, they just feel safer and more trusting in the relationship."

At any age, sexual contact is an important aspect of marriage. A recent study published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that many older Americans enjoyed an active sex life. Sex with a partner in the previous year was reported by 73 percent of people age 57 to 64; 53 percent of those age 64 to 75, and 26 percent of people age 75 to 85. Of those who were active, most said they had sex at least two to three times a month.

To go without sex is to endanger the relationship. Pittman says. "If you go without sex in a marriage, your instincts recognize this person as part of the family but cease to recognize the person as a sex partner." The response can kick in surprisingly quickly - in as little as six weeks, he said. "People make a terrible mistake in being angry with their marriage partner and cutting them off sexually. It doesn't work."

Caressing and contact is always a good thing, he said. "The great thing about sex at this age is it ceases to be great, and it becomes funny. It feels good, but you never know what's going to work and what's not," he said. Which brings up another trait that long-lasting marriage partners often share: a sense of humor.

Laughter helps in any crisis, Gibson said. "When I am working with couples, if I can help them access their sense of humor, things go much better," she said.

"Friends laugh a lot with each other ," Hamilton added.

Pittman said. "A happy marriage is a marriage between two happy people."

Even when marriages take a turn for the worse, they can be salvaged. "It's never too late," said Hamilton. "It's part of my belief system, part of my theological understanding, and part of my experience as a counselor that there's always hope."

A counselor can help, but it's not the only option, Hamilton said. "Talking with a mentor couple, talking with a trusted friend, going on a retreat, reading a book - there are many things that can help. You don't necessarily have to talk to a marriage therapist."

"You're not going to be in love all the time, but if you want to recapture that magic, be loving," Pittman said. "Being loving to your partner makes you feel so good about yourself, it doesn't matter if you're in love or not. The marriage is making you feel good if you are loving in it."

"Schedule time to play together," advised Gibson.
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