Daily Tips from The Marriage Library
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Secrets of Happily Married Men

Review of Book by Scott Haltzman
 
SUMMARY OF THIS ARTICLE
 
Today's Tip is all about becoming a happily married man. Here are the 8 secrets that are explained below.

1. Make Marriage Like Your Job.
2. Know Your Wife.
3. Be Home Now.
4. Expect Conflict; Deal With It.
5. Learn to Listen.
6. Aim to Please.
7. Understand the Truth About Sex.
8. Introduce yourself.
 
Jim Stephens
The Secrets of Happily Married Men

Taken from an article in the Washington Post 

Scott Haltzman, a psychiatrist and Brown University professor, has been studying marriages good and bad for a long time, both in his clinical work and via his Web site, www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/ .
 
His book, "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever " (Jossey-Bass, 2006), collects what he says are the guy behaviors that lead to happy marriage. As his Web site says, he's "out to save marriages, one husband at a time."

Haltzman believes conventional marital therapy often tries to make men more like women -- you know, getting in touch with their feelings, talking about their feelings, feeling their wives' feelings, etc. But this approach is doomed to failure, he says, largely because men and women are equipped with such different hardware from the neck up.

While accounting for the many exceptions, Haltzman says that due to differences in brain structure and chemistry, men are inclined to cull the savannah for food; women maintain the cave. Women communicate; men fix. Women remember events and emotions; men remember the dimensions of the deck. Men are from cerebral cortex, women are from amygdala, so to speak.

So, if a guy doesn't have the right tools to cope with conventional marriage counseling -- yet wants a good marriage -- what can he do?

He should use the male habits and male skills that serve him well at work, at play, in competition, in the field and in other venues where he thrives. View marriage as your most important task, pursue success in marriage as you would anything else that matters. It's a lot more pleasant, and the payoffs far greater, to live with a woman who is satisfied, secure and feeling loved compared to one who is none of the above. Make this your job, he says.

Here are the eight guy "secrets" Haltzman shares.

1. Make Marriage Your Job.

Premise: Guys have skills and habits developed at work that can be successfully applied to marriage.

Details: Here's Haltzman's job description: Love, honor and respect her; be sexually and emotionally faithful; listen without being judgmental; support her ambitions; try to understand how she is different emotionally; be honest at all times and keep promises; share in child care and domestic work; be as attentive, fun-loving and adoring as you were during courtship; and be affectionate.

2. Know Your Wife.

Premise: You think you know your wife, but you haven't really been paying attention. Do your research.

Details: Haltzman urges guys to do what guys do: Collect data. Observe her in mundane situations where she reveals herself: at the sidelines at a kid's game; when she's with her best friend; at a restaurant or coffee shop; and before, during and after sex. Here is where you will discover who she really is, not who she says she is. 

3. Be Home Now.

Premise: Guys evolved as prowlers and hunters, not home-tenders. But to make a marriage work, you've got to spend a lot of time around the cave.

Details: "To . . . build a lasting marriage, you have to be there, in person, day by day, Mr. Regular, at home, in the building -- and that's that." And why don't more guys do this? Haltzman says men need to be honest about why they often leave the cave. Is it to avoid conflict, loss of control, domestic responsibilities, intimacy or . . . having to grow up.
 
If men are sufficiently present at home -- and attentive while present -- the payoff is "direct and bountiful . . . love, friendship, support, emotional nourishment, peace of mind, fun, intimacy and sexual satisfaction."

4. Expect Conflict; Deal With It.

Premise: Fights are inevitable, but you can control them.

Details: "You can . . . stop the mounting tensions in their tracks," Haltzman says, not by doing what guys are inclined to do (dig in and fight to the death) but by using various higher cerebral strategies. For instance, take advantage of a woman's natural inclination to nurture by softening your tone. And stymie escalation by not letting emotion drive something you say or do.

5. Learn to Listen.

Premise: Listening does not come naturally to male humans, who are more inclined to act. But it can be learned, to great benefit.

Details: Stand still while she talks. Turn off the TV. Look directly at her. Use verbal nods to show that you're listening. If it's important, seek clarification. If not, just let her talk.

6. Aim to Please.

Premise: "In the workplace . . . men are masters of relationship-building." So: Bring this skill home.

Details: Treat your wife at least as well as you would a valuable client, co-worker or employee: Greet her warmly, ask how she is, see what she needs and how you can help. Do thoughtful favors, anticipate desires and entertain and offer gifts as appropriate.

7. Understand the Truth About Sex.

Premise: Men. Women. They're different!

Details: In response to the old "women-want-slow-intimacy/men-want-to-get-down-to-business" conflict, Haltzman creates a by-the-numbers program consisting of five "gears" that men need to move through, sort of like a sporty transmission. First gear is holding hands, kissing, etc. Second gear gets more emotional and private. Third is playful. Fourth is getting awfully close, and fifth is where guys usually wanted to be from the beginning. Attend to the earlier stages, the author says, and the fifth is more likely -- and better.

8. Introduce yourself.

Premise: Time to let her know "this is who I am, this is what I need."

Details: Take inventory of who you are, Haltzman says, which is something that can get lost in the shuffle of a busy married life. Then, share your deepest self with her. Then your own needs -- doing stuff together that you like, hanging with the guys, taking occasional solo sorties, playing sports, cultivating personal interests and hobbies -- won't be greeted as if they are threats or acts of abandonment.
_____________________________________________________
 
God bless your marriage and family. 
 
Jim Stephens
 

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The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever



 
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Jim Stephens
The Marriage Library