Do you and your spouse have a code that means "I want you!", "I love you.", or other important sentiments?

Speaking a private language not only gives the two of you a charge - it actually has the power to strengthen your bond.

"Public displays of commitment - such as having a signal at a party to let each other know you're bored and want to leave - are better predictors of a couple's longevity and stability than public displays of affection, according to a recent study," says therapist Dr. Pat Love, coauthor of the book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. "That's because these acts show nonverbally that you think as a couple, that your partner's having a good time is as important as you having a good time, and that your commitment to each other is bigger than your commitment to almost anything else."

"Communicating in code reinforces your solidarity and rapport," adds Diana Boxer, Ph.D., a professor of linguistics at the University of Florida. "It not only shows off your identity as a couple, it actually strengthens it, and that makes you feel more connected."

Codes come from your shared experiences. "When couples have a meaningful experience together, they tend to use a word or phrase as a shorthand way of evoking the entire experience," says Redbook Love Network expert Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.

Having your own shorthand is a time-saver, for sure. Catch-phrases and nonverbal cues can also help you put hard-to-express emotions into words, find a comfortable way to ask for sex, or even say something like, "Why are we fighting, anyway?"

Remarks Anna Colombo,"Saying 'I love you' was not my thing. One day I told him, 'You're my home.'" 10 years and two kids later, the pair say these three magical words all the time.

Code is Extra-Intimate.

It says that you and I have been through this thing that nobody else has. It's absolutely specific to the two of you.

Suzanne Dunn's husband, Stevon, touches his nose to let her know she's adored. "He does it all the time - during family dinners, at parties, at our kids' ball games," says Suzanne. "Nobody else has a clue what he's doing. It's our secret, and it feels so good."

"Shorthand is a way for women to speak the male language," Dr. Love says. "Men aren't given to nuance. They like quick - doing rather than talking. And they hate having to figure out meaning. Having a code saves time and energy, so he's happy." In other words, codes help the two of you meet halfway between the talky female style of communicating and the silent male style.

Jacque Mellor says, "We always kiss when the clock says 12:34 - a.m. or p.m. - because that is the time we were married 23 years ago."

"Sex makes us more vulnerable than almost anything else," Love points out. After all, being turned down for sex can make anyone feel inadequate, rejected, or undesirable. "But when you have a code or cue," she continues, "it takes away that awkward negotiation and paves the way for true intimacy. It provides an easy way for your partner to say no without it seeming like a big deal."

Codes can also help get both parties in the proper frame of mind. If you consistently associate a word or signal with sex, that word or signal alone can actually get you both fired up. One couple uses "Orlando," because that was the site of their first night together. One woman, Christi Mann, says, "I have a shirt that I put on when I want to get frisky - it's a gray tank top with a little bunny on it. Now, every time I put it on, it drives him crazy!"

Having a lighthearted white-flag phrase or signal breaks the tense mood, helping you remember the big picture ("We're great together!") rather than the little issue at hand ("He used up my $30 conditioner!"). Humor and teasing can be a powerful tool for defusing a charged interaction. And it doesn't just help you in the moment: Research has shown that couples who use humor to alleviate tension and conflict have longer-lasting marriages than couples who don't.

One couple uses "W.A.B.", which stands for 'We Are Blessed.' It puts a smile on their faces every time. Another couple uses a phrase from the movie, The Money Pit, when everything goes wrong. In the movie all the repair people quote "two weeks" as the length of time it would take to make the repairs.

If you think about it, probably you can get creative and come up with some great code words with your spouse.
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