Who Stops the Crazy Cycle?

By Emerson Eggerichs

As we think about stopping the Crazy Cycle, who makes the first move? As a wife, whatever you do, don't say, "Emerson is right. I need your love, so start loving me and I'll show you respect." That simply won't work because that attitude is in itself disrespectful, and it triggers an unloving reaction.

On the other side, as a husband, never say, "Emerson is right. If you respect me, all will be well and I will be more loving." That won't work either because the attitude is in itself unloving, and it triggers a disrespectful reaction. So who should make the first move?

In our marriage conferences, I explain that I prayed about this, and here is the answer God gave me: the one who sees himself or herself as the most mature.

You see, you can't wait for your spouse to be the first to start doing the respecting or the loving. But can you afford to wait passively for this to happen, like some kind of neutral bystander?

The fear, of course, is that you will show love or respect to your spouse and get a bad response. So you tend to pull back, waiting for the other person to move first. But what are your options?

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being more mature and making the first move could slow it down.