Thermostat settings. Dirty socks. Toothpaste caps. Our little habits make our spouses crazy. But no two people are ever truly compatible, so quit nitpicking each other, relationship experts advise. Save the battles for the big issues -- and you'll have a happy marriage.

Susan Boon, PhD, a social psychologist at the University of Calgary in Alberta, Canada, teaches classes in interpersonal relationships. She recommends to her students, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert , by John Gottman, MD, psychologist, relationship researcher for 30 years, and founder of The Gottman Institute in Seattle.

Long-lasting, happy marriages have more than great communication, Boon says. "Dr. Gottman brings up something no one ever talks about -- that irreconcilable differences are normal, that you just have to come to terms with them, not try to resolve the unresolvable. On some level, that should have been obvious, but it hasn't been," she tells WebMD.

Most marriage therapists focus on "active listening," which involves paraphrasing, validating, affirming your spouse's feedback, says Boon. "That's all well and good and may help you get through some conflicts in a less destructive way. But, as Dr. Gottman puts it, 'you're asking people to do Olympic-style gymnastics when they can hardly crawl. 'Many people will fail at those techniques.' "

"Research indicates that most people are dissatisfied with the outcome of marital therapy, that the problems come back."

Instead research shows that you must be nice to your partner.

Make small gestures, but make them often. "The little things matter," says Boon. "What a happy marriage is based on is deep friendship, knowing each other well, having mutual respect, and knowing when to not try to resolve an unresolvable issue. Many kinds of issues simply aren't solvable."

"Learn how to identify issues that must be resolved, and learn to live with the rest. Just put up with it. All you do is waste your breath and get angry over these things that can't be changed."

"You're better off not trying to change them. Work around them. Commit to staying together, even though this is something you don't like."

Research shows that, "for every one negative thing you do, there must be five positive things that balance it out."

While it sounds easy -- and while it can be easy -- this commitment to being nice is no small matter, Boon says. "You have to do nice things often. But it's harder to be nice when the heat is on, when you're really angry, or when something has happened for the 15th time.

 

Nevertheless, the balance must be heavily, heavily stacked in the positive, to have a happy marriage."

In happy marriages, couples know how to naturally make repairs, usually through humor. They deflect the anger, and get back on an even keel.

You have to accept the other person's perspective, have an appropriate discussion without getting critical or blaming.

Men in good relationships don't react emotionally during conflicts. Men in bad relationships are more likely to withdraw from the discussion. They might actually leave the room, look at the ceiling, or tune out the conversation. Wives in negative relationships also get entrenched in their particular viewpoint and ultimately feel greater anger and contempt.

"Have a willingness to understand, make changes in yourself, and find some method to get out of negative communication patterns -- negativity that just escalates. Sometimes couples develop what I call 'manure-colored glasses," says Shae Graham Kosch, PhD, director of the behavioral medicine program in community health and family at the University of Florida at Gainesville.

She suggests a trick that often works for arguments: Do it on the telephone, rather than face to face. "That removes all nonverbal cues. She won't see him looking at the ceiling; he won't see her rolling her eyes. It keeps things more positive."

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