How Gratitude Influences Loving Behavior

By Jeremy Nicholson

Why gratitude is important in dating and relating.

Published on September 28, 2011 by Jeremy Nicholson, M.S.W., Ph.D. in The Attraction Doctor

I would like to take a minute to discuss a topic near-and-dear to my heart. That topic is gratitude - a feeling and expression of thankfulness for the efforts of others that are costly to them and beneficial to us. I have long believed that gratitude is a foundation for happy dates, satisfying relationships, and positive social exchange. I also believe gratitude is very persuasive and influential. Now, I have the research to back up my beliefs. Read on and learn how gratitude can help your love life too!

Recent Research on Gratitude and Behavior

Grant and Gino (2010) investigated the effects of expressions of gratitude on the positive behavior of helpers across four experiments:

In the first two experiments, some participants received letters of appreciation from a fellow student for help in writing a resume cover letter, while other participants did not. The result was that those participants receiving the "thank you" were more motivated to help the student at a later date. Participants who were thanked were also more motivated to help others with a similar task.

The second two experiments had a similar result. This time, however, students were asked to make alumni donation calls on behalf of the university they were attending. Some participants received a verbal thank you for their efforts by a director of fundraising, while others did not. Those receiving the thank you showed an increase in positive behavior (making more calls). Those who received no expression of gratitude did not increase their efforts.

More recently, Kubacka, Finkenauer, Rusbult, and Keijsers (2011) evaluated the effects of gratitude on loving "relationship maintenance" behaviors. More specifically, the researchers investigated how gratitude influences positive behaviors towards a spouse over time. Results indicate:

* Spouses feel gratitude for a partner when they perceive that partner's behavior as being responsive to their needs.

* That feeling of gratitude then motivates behavior in return that is responsive back to the needs of the partners.

* When that reciprocal behavior is perceived by the partner, feelings of gratitude result in them as well.

* A positive cycle develops over time, with increasing gratitude and caring behavior for both individuals.

Overall, gratitude has two powerful influences on positive relationship behavior. When we express gratitude to a partner, we increase the chances that they will behave well towards us in the future.

When we feel gratitude, we increase the chance that we will behave well towards them.

If our partner feels grateful for our good behavior as well, then a positive cycle develops. Everybody is grateful...and everybody behaves lovingly.