Dr. Chapman reminds us of a common situation that couples fall into where they are waiting for the other person to give love and kindness first. Then he gives a suggestion to get out of it.

by Dr. Gary Chapman
 
All of us would like to think that someone loves us unconditionally. The child longs for this kind of love from his parents, but husbands and wives also desire unconditional love from each other. 
 
The wedding vow was to love "in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth, so long as we both shall live."   This is a commitment to unconditional love.  In a healthy marriage, we will actually experience it. 
 
Far too many however are waiting for their spouse to make the first move. 
 
We sit back and say: "When they decide to become affectionate, when they decide to think about my needs, when they decide to be more responsive to me, then I'll start loving them."  This is conditional love. 
 
"I'll treat her better when she treats me better." 
 
"I'll treat him better when he treats me better." 
 
Such an attitude misses out on the power of unconditional love. Unconditional love is the choice to love your spouse no matter how they treat you. 
 
Someone has got to take the lead in unconditional love. Why not you? Most spouses will respond positively to unconditional love.

Let me give you a suggestion: Go to your spouse and say "I've been thinking about our marriage, and I realize that I have loved you conditionally. When you are kind to me, I tend to be kind to you. When you help me, I help you. 
 
I think that love should do better than that. I sincerely want to learn to love you no matter what. I want to make a fresh commitment to our marriage. I am going to ask you to give me one suggestion each week on what I can do to make your life better. Whatever you suggest, I'm going to do my best to do it." 
After you pick them up off the floor, get a pencil and paper, and write down their suggestion. To the best of your ability, do it. You are on the road to unconditional love!

(Obviously, I am excluding immoral requests which your spouse might make. Breaking God's moral law is never an act of love no matter who requests it.)  I think you will find that most of your spouse's suggestions will be perfectly legitimate and very doable by you. 
 
After you do this for three months. Ask your spouse how they think you are doing? If they give you positive feedback, say "Thanks, that makes me feel good." If they say, "I can't see any improvement," tell them you appreciate the feedback and that you are going to work harder over the next few weeks. Don't give up! Keep on loving unconditionally. 
 
Eventually, they will respond positively and start moving toward your relationship, or they will run from you because they feel so guilty. Either way, it is the right thing to do and hopefully, that helps you feel better about yourself. Unconditional love always wins.