Would You, Not Could You

By John Gray

When you were in grade school, building blocks were an integral part of your development. Whether you were learning the basics of addition and subtraction, the difference between a noun and a verb, or literally playing with building blocks, you were forming a foundation of knowledge.

Throughout your dating and relationship history, you've likely learned quite a bit as well, though perhaps not all the information you've gleaned over the years has been especially helpful. Relationships aren't easy and, unlike math, they're not the same every time around. 

While we all have the same core needs, remember, we're talking about two separate planets here - Mars and Venus - so there's bound to be a little discrepancy between the climates.

Primary Needs describes the needs that men and women must have fulfilled before they are able to fully appreciate and receive love. Women need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. Men need trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement.

What's curious about the primary needs of men and women is that they mirror each other. A woman will feel cared for by a man when she gives him the trust he needs. A man will feel accepted by a woman when he provides her with understanding, and so on.

Men and women typically give what they want to receive. Primary needs are fulfilled when both halves of a couple remember to consider what is important to their partner and what it is they need. If you feel like you and your partner aren't successfully communicating, think about how you're behaving - are you fulfilling the primary needs of the person you love, or are you acting in your own best interests?

Men and women communicate differently and often misinterpret why the other is speaking, but just knowing these facts isn't enough. The way to Improve Communication in a relationship is to learn your partner's language. It's not what you ask for but how and when you ask for it.

Find the right time to talk about an issue - or set up a time to chat - and use jargon such as "I feel" instead of the more-confrontational "You do this or that." Know what you want to say, what you want to accomplish by saying it, what you wish your partner's response to be, and whether you can deal with their response even if it's not what you want to hear.

Homework: When you ask your partner to do something, do it briefly and pointedly and be sure to preface it with, "Will / Would you ..." instead of, "Can / Could you ...."

Using direct requests gives the person a choice when responding instead of feeling like they're being commanded to do something.

Ever feel upset with your significant other, but not know why? The 90/10 Rule identifies that when we're upset, 90 percent of the problem is related to our past and only 10 percent has to do with the issue at hand.

This is also referred to occasionally as the Trash Can Theory, which describes a place inside of us where we store unresolved feelings from the past. We collect layers of hurt and frustration in our systems from past relationships and our formative years. When we finally find ourselves with a person who loves us for exactly who we are, our "trash can" can tip over and reveal the issues from the past that we may not have dealt with fully.

Homework: The next time you and your significant other argue, stop for a moment to consider what it is you're fighting about - how much of it has to do with the present issue and how much is a reaction that's coming to the surface because of something one of you experienced in a past relationship?