Honest Dating: Considering the Past

By Mark Gungor

Here's a familiar scenario: a woman is dating a guy and thinks, "Ok, so he has A-B-C-D going on and he's a bum, but I love him." Then she marries him and in the not-too-distant future she becomes... well, miserable. She'll then come to someone like me for counseling. I often ask, "You didn't see this before you were married?" Then she'll tell me, "Yes, but I thought I could change him."

I think a lot of people are not being totally honest during the dating process. Or many feel obligated to follow through with a relationship just because they have been dating for a while, even though they may have some strong reservations. But if you are struggling with any aspect of who a person is, you probably need to look at that as a red flag. Ultimately, that is what the dating process is for - to decide, based on what you have learned, whether or not to marry that person.

As people of the Christian faith - a faith the stresses hope for our future, despite the failings of our past - we often times deliberately ignore a person's past when deciding on a mate. And while everyone makes mistakes, some mistakes have consequences and ramifications that can follow us for the rest of our lives. Granted, God doesn't hold our past mistakes against us if we come to him in true repentance, but those mistakes can still have consequences that may negatively affect our future relationships, particularly in our marriage.

The dating process should be a time of discovery and analysis as to whether or not a certain person would make a good lifetime mate. And make no mistake about it - a person's history can be a major factor in determining how they will handle their future relationships. But because of our belief in forgiveness of the sins of the past, many Christian couples fail to factor history into their mating decisions.  The wise seeker of a mate, however, would do well to look into the history of their potential spouse. And doing so is not unfair, nor is it un-Christian.

I counsel people all the time who struggle with issues that go back to their past. For example: situations where a woman feels like her husband is using her for sex now because of all the other guys in her past who did. That is something he should have learned about during the dating process. If you can't talk those kinds of things out when you are dating a person, if you can't carry that heavy load, then let them go so they can find someone who can. There are very wonderful, compassionate and kind people who have been gifted by God to do just that. People who can say, "I will love you, cherish you, and take care of you no matter what." God can give people great gifts of compassion or encouragement or mercy. It doesn't mean that those who don't have those gifts are bad people. It just makes you honest when you realize that you aren't comfortable in dealing with the baggage of someone's past.

Let's say you learn the person you are dating has a past record of shoplifting. You may wonder what values that person grew up with that allowed them to make a decision like that. Knowing the choices they've made in the past, you may not want to continue on in the relationship - and that, in my opinion, is fair. The dating process is about finding out about someone, the choices they've made and who they are.

Part 2 tomorrow.