After men learn about Mars-Venus philosophies, many men comment on one thing, "Why do women need to talk as much as they do?" For men who want to know the answer this question, here is the most helpful insight we can offer. A man needs to discover that a woman may communicate for different reasons than a man will.

Women do use language just like men do, to make points and solve problems.

 

However, women also use talking as (1) a way of discovering what they want to say. Sometimes they talk about their feelings (2) in order to sort things out; as a means toward eventually feeling better. At other times, women (3) feel a need to share and express their feelings, simply as a means to get closer, or to experience greater intimacy.

Talking is how women merge with their partners. Talking is part of sharing. When they are sharing their feelings and sharing their thoughts, no solutions are required. And it is important that they not be judged.

Men don't instinctively understand these various approaches because men tend to use language primarily as a way of making points.

When men talk about problems, they are generally looking for solutions. A man mistakenly assumes that when a woman talks about her feelings and problems, then his role as a listener is to assist her in feeling better by offering her solutions.

Like a fireman in an emergency situation, he is impatient to get the fire out as quickly as possible. For him, the quickest way to put the fire out is by giving solutions. He may have this overwhelming desire to help her, but the way he gives her solutions is exactly what causes a woman to feel like she's not being listened to.

 

It also causes her to feel like she is not important to him.

It's an interesting paradox of immense proportions in marriages and relationships. Actually if he didn't really care, he wouldn't try to fix things for her in the first place. But his trying to fix her problems sends the signal to her that he's not listening. In reality he's just listening to her like he would another man, to help fix his problems.

 

But she's more interested in him connecting to her feelings ABOUT the problem.

Learning to listen patiently - and not just passively - is a new skill for men. Yet repeatedly men report that keeping quiet and resisting the strong tendency to interrupt a woman with solutions has dramatically improved their relationships.

Their partners are much happier and appreciative. Lucky is the man who discovers that satisfying a woman's need to communicate and be heard is the most important requirement to having a harmonious and loving relationship.

When a man is a good listener, a woman can repeatedly find the place in her heart that is capable of loving him and embracing him just the way he is.

For women, patience is the key when communicating. Try not to expect a man to simply listen. Most communication problems between men and women start because we fail to ask for what we want.

The best way to encourage a man to give a woman what she needs is to say something like "Honey, I need you to listen to something for me. I don't need your advice; I just want to share my feelings about this."

The benefit of this request is that the man "knows the rules" and he can decide if he is open and able to give his partner what she needs at that moment. If he is not, he can tell her how he feels and they can talk at a later time.

 

In this example, both people have successfully communicated what they need and they can decide what to do from an honest and loving place.

It does often seem that they speak different languages on Mars and Venus. Our advice is to be patient and encouraging when someone is trying to learn a new language.