Daily Tips from The Marriage Library.com
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Follow The Dragon Into The Cave
And Get Burned
 
By Lauren Gray
 
October 28, 2011                                                                             Issue 814    

  

Summary of this article

 

This article is an advice column from www.MarsVenus.com. It's written by the daughter of John Gray, Lauren Gray. She answers a letter from a young wife who made two mistakes: she yelled at her husband and when he retreated into his cave, she went in after him. Lauren's understanding the differences in men and women helps us understand a lot about why certain things happen automatically and how to repair them.

 

God bless your family and your marriage.

 

Jim   
 

Follow The Dragon Into The Cave And Get Burned

 

By Lauren Gray

 

Dear Lauren,

 

I made a mistake - I yelled at my husband to the point that he retreated into his cave. I followed him in there and he said, "leave me alone!" but I kept pushing. He said some really hurtful things like he doesn't think our relationship is working and that he doesn't want to have kids with me because he doesn't think I'd be a good mother.

 

I left him a note that I'd be back in two weeks and went to my parent's house. I thought he needs time alone. I don't think he really believes what he said to me. I just hope when I return home, I'm not greeted with cardboard boxes and a change of address form. What can I do?

 

-Annie

 

Dear Annie,

 

When a woman yells at her husband, she is in a heightened emotional state.

 

We women might think it's no big deal to raise our voices, but there is 8 times more blood flow to the emotional center of the brain of a woman than that of a man. The only way a man would yell or get that upset is if his problem was 8 times more dramatic than yours was! So naturally a man will misinterpret a woman's strong emotions as an over-reaction.

 

Since you were unhappy with him, he assumed that he was the (8 times more serious) problem.

 

And here's where we get into a pickle. He can't be the stud-muffin-knight-in-shining-armor-hero when he's the bad guy. So he's left with two options - fight or flight. No man wants to hurt the woman he loves so he picks "flight." He withdraws into his dark and mysterious cave.

 

When you pursue, he says "leave me alone" in a last ditch effort to be a gentleman. When you pursue even more, you push him into "fight" mode. And here's where things get dangerous...

 

His testosterone starts pumping and suddenly it's a competition. For every one complaint you come up with, he comes up with two. Normally a man wouldn't dwell on these "complaints" because to him they're not that big of a deal but in the context of a competition they become fuel for his argument. As Randy Jackson would say, "he's in it to win it." And that is how a loving husband can say something that unkind to his lovely wife.

 

It's good that you can see that what he said was just a heated reaction and not the whole picture. But now we are left with the aftereffects of your epic battle and we need to pick up the pieces. You left angry and he is left with his guilt at saying those harsh words to the woman he loves. This guilt can extend his cave time quite considerably. This then leads to the question: Does he pack up and leave because he doesn't love you or because he is afraid to face you? In his mind he might be thinking, "how could she ever forgive me? How could she ever love me again? I've failed her."

 

You know that yelling at him and pushing him was wrong and it sounds like you are happy to take responsibility. So my advice is to write him an apology letter and drop it off at home while he's not there. (Men are notoriously good at not noticing details unless it's right in front of them; so leave it somewhere he can't miss it: like on the TV or stuck to the refrigerator door.)

 

In your letter, don't address what he did or said. Just apologize for your part.

 

Say something like, "I'm sorry I pushed you. I know how important it is to give you space and respect your wish when you say, 'leave me alone.' I love you very much and I feel so fortunate to be your wife. You make me so happy. Take all the time you need, I will be ready with open arms when you are ready to reconnect. You know my number."

 

Fill your time with fun, oxytocin producing activities such as dancing, cooking, and shopping... Treat this time away from home not as an exile but as a vacation. Make yourself happy so that when he calls, he will know that you are in a good place. Even though he hasn't seen you for a week, he is bound to take credit for your improved spirits. This will make him feel successful and romantic and the fight will be something of the past. Hopefully history won't repeat itself.

 

Now you know: you go into the cave, you face the dragon and you get burned!


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The Marriage Library
 20112011