You Just Don't Understand - 6 Reasons -   Part 2
 
by Deborah Tannen 
 
As a specialist in linguistics, I have studied how the conversational styles of men and women differ. We cannot lump all men or all women into fixed categories, of course. But the seemingly senseless misunderstandings that haunt our relationships can in part be explained by the different conversational rules by which men and women play. 
 
Whenever I write or speak about this subject, people tell me they are relieved to learn that what has caused them trouble - and what they had previously ascribed to personal failings - is, in fact, very common.
 
Learning about the different, although equally valid, conversational frequencies men and women are tuned to can help banish the blame and help us truly talk to one another. Here are two more of six of the most common areas of conflict:
 
(Number  1 was yesterday.)
 
2. Independence vs. Intimacy. 
 
Since women often think in terms of closeness and support, they struggle to preserve intimacy. Men, concerned with status, tend to focus more on independence. These traits can lead women and men to starkly different views of the same situation.
 
When Josh's old high-school friend called him at work to say he'd be in town, Josh invited him to stay for the weekend. That evening he told Linda they were having a house guest.
 
Linda was upset. How could Josh make these plans without discussing them with her beforehand? She would never do that to him. "Why don't you tell your friend you have to check with your wife?" she asked.
 
Josh replied, "I can't tell my friend, 'I have to ask my wife for permission'!"
 
To Josh, checking with his wife would mean he was not free to act on his own. It would make him feel like a child or an underling. But Linda actually enjoys telling someone, "I have to check with Josh." It makes her feel good to show that her life is intertwined with her husband's. 
 
3. Advice vs. Understanding. 
 
Eve had a benign lump removed from her breast. When she confided to her husband, Mark, that she was distressed because the stitches changed the contour of her breast, he answered, "You can always have plastic surgery."
 
This comment bothered her. "I'm sorry you don't like the way it looks," she protested. "But I'm not having any more surgery!"
 
Mark was hurt and puzzled. "I don't care about a scar," he replied. "It doesn't bother me at all."
 
"Then why are you telling me to have plastic surgery?" she asked.
 
"Because you were upset about the way it looks."
 
Eve felt like a heel. Mark had been wonderfully supportive throughout her surgery. How could she snap at him now?
 
The problem stemmed from a difference in approach. To many men a complaint is a challenge to come up with a solution. Mark thought he was reassuring Eve by telling her there was something she could do about her scar. But often women are looking for emotional support, not solutions. 
 

 

More tomorrow.

_____________________________________________