The seemingly senseless misunderstandings that haunt our relationships can in part be explained by the different conversational rules by which men and women play. 
 
People often tell me they are relieved to learn that what has caused them trouble - and what they had previously ascribed to personal failings - is, in fact, very common.
 
Learning about the different, although equally valid, conversational frequencies can help banish the blame and help us truly talk to one another. Here are the last two of six common areas of conflict: 
 
5. Orders vs. Proposals. 
 
Diana often begins statements with "Let's." She might say "Let's park over there" or "Let's clean up now, before lunch."
 
This makes Nathan angry. He has deciphered Diana's "Let's" as a command. Like most men, he resists being told what to do. But to Diana, she is making suggestions, not demands. Like most women, she formulates her requests as proposals rather than orders. Her style of talking is a way of getting others to do what she wants - but by winning agreement first. 
 
With certain men, like Nathan, this tactic backfires. If they perceive someone is trying to get them to do something indirectly, they feel manipulated and respond more resentfully than they would to a straightforward request. 
 
6. Conflict vs. Compromise. 
 
In trying to prevent fights, some women refuse to oppose the will of others openly. But sometimes it's far more effective for a woman to assert herself, even at the risk of conflict.
 
Dora was frustrated by a series of used cars she drove. It was she who commuted to work, but her husband, Hank, who chose the cars. Hank always went for cars that were "interesting" but in continual need of repair.
 
After Dora was nearly killed when her brakes failed, they were in the market for yet another used car. Dora wanted to buy a late-model sedan from a friend. Hank fixed his sights on a 15-year-old sports car. She tried to persuade Hank that it made more sense to buy the boring but dependable car, but he would not be swayed.
 
Previously she would have acceded to his wishes. This time Dora bought the boring but dependable car and steeled herself for Hanks' anger. To her amazement, he spoke not a word of remonstrance. When she later told him what she had expected, he scoffed at her fears and said she should have done what she wanted from the start if she felt that strongly about it. 
 
As Dora discovered, a little conflict won't kill you. At the same time, men who habitually oppose others can adjust their style to opt for less confrontation. 
 
When we don't see style differences for what they are, we sometimes draw unfair conclusions: "You're illogical," "You're self-centered," "You don't care about me." But once we grasp the two characteristic approaches, we stand a better chance of preventing disagreements from spiraling out of control. 
 
Learning the other's ways of talking is a leap across the communication gap between men and women, and a giant step towards genuine understanding.