Men Talk For Status, Women Talk For Intimacy - Part 1
 
You Just Don't Understand, Book by Deborah Tannen, Ph.D.
 
Reviewed by Laura Morrison
 
That men and women are on different wavelengths when it comes to communicating is probably not news to you. Research by sociolinguist Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, shows that the differences between the communication styles of men and women go far beyond mere socialization, and appear to be inherent in the basic make up of each sex.
 
Tannen first noticed these differences when studying videotapes another researcher had made of best friends asked to have a conversation together. In contrast to the girls, boys were extremely uncomfortable with this request. Girls in all age groups would face each other and immediately began to talk, eventually ending up discussing the problems of one girl. Boys, on the other hand, sat parallel to each other and would jump from topic to topic--centered around a time when they would do something together.

Tannen observed that: 
 
  *  For males, conversation is the way you negotiate your status in the group and keep people from pushing you around; you use talk to preserve your independence.
 
  *  Females, on the other hand, use conversation to negotiate closeness and intimacy; talk is the essence of intimacy, so being best friends means sitting and talking.
 
  *  For boys, activities are central, doing things together. Just sitting and talking is not an essential part of friendship. They're friends with the boys they do things with.
 
  *  Women create feelings of closeness by conversing with their friends and lovers.
 
  *  Men don't use communication in this way, so men can't figure out why their women are continually talking, talking, talking.
 
  *  Eventually, many men just tune their women out. The ubiquitous image of the housewife at the breakfast table talking to her husband who has his head buried in the newspaper comes to mind.
 
"It's not hard, from even these simple observations, to see the potential problems when men and women communicate."
 
Tannen notes that men are confused by the various ways women use conversation to be intimate with others. One of these ways she calls "troubles talk." She says, "For women, talking about troubles is the essence of connection. I tell you my troubles, you tell me your troubles, and we're close. Men, however, hear troubles talk as a request for advice, so they respond with a solution." When a man offers this kind of information the woman often feels as if he is trying to diminish her problem or cut her off. 
 
In his eyes, he's being supportive. That's because men don't talk to each other about their troubles unless they really do want a solution; talking about their problems is wallowing in them.
 
The man doesn't realize that his woman was simply trying to establish a certain kind of intimacy with him--sharing problems is inviting him to reciprocate and share himself with her. Because of these essential differences in approach, Tannen says that the most common complaint she hears from men is "women complain all the time and don't want to do anything about it" She believes "men misunderstand the ritual nature of women's complaining." 
 
An interesting dance emerges from these different approaches:
 
  *  The woman, craving closeness and intimacy with her man, talks to him about her problems she's having with friends, family, her job, etc.
 
  *  She seeks to have her man respond as her girlfriends have always done and talk with her about his own concerns.
 
  *  The man, however, hears these conversations as requests for advice, not intimacy.
 
  *  He considers the problem and offers a solution, or else dismisses the issue, as the boys he grew up with always did.
 
  *  When his woman continues to go on about these same concerns, showing no movement to consider his advice, he becomes confused and eventually angry.
 
  *  He begins to believe that his woman is an expert at talking about nothing.
 
  *  The woman begins to feel that her man doesn't care about her because he won't talk to her in a way that feels intimate. 

 
Tomorrow. Men Talk For Status, Women Talk For Intimacy - Part 2