Men Communicate Based On How To Lower Their Own Stress

By John Gray

Men are naturally motivated to communicate in ways that will lower stress in men.

They have no idea that this same style of communicating may increase a woman's stress levels.

To release stress, a man tends either to solve the problem or to dismiss it in some way. A woman looks for a warmer, more supportive response. He thinks he is simply expressing his opinion to be helpful, while she feels he is being either cold and heartless, or he simply doesn't understand what she is saying.

Let's look at this practically. What follows is a list of examples of how men either try to fix or to dismiss the issues a woman may be talking about:

* "Don't worry about it."

* "This is what you should do ..."

* "Just let it go."

* "It's not that important."

* "That's not what happened."

* "That's not what he means."

* "You expect too much of him."

* "You have to accept things the way they are."

* "Don't get so upset about it."

* "Don't let them talk to you that way."

* "You don't have to do that."

* "Just do what you want to do."

* "Don't let them get to you like that."

* "It's simple, just tell him ..."

* "All you have to do is ..."

* "Forget it. You have done all you can."

* "It's not such a big deal."

* "Look, there is nothing more you can do about it."

* "You shouldn't feel that way."

On Mars, these short comments would be supportive, but on Venus they can be insulting.

If she is in the problem-solving mode, any one of these remarks can be helpful, but if she is upset and looking for support, they may sound dismissive and condescending.

Simply listening and asking more questions is a better male response. Instead of solution-oriented comments, he can simply make reassuring sounds.