Kindness Is The Most Important Trait

By Dr. Gary Chapman  

Every trait of loving a person is important in marriage, but if I could pick just one to emphasize, it would be kindness.

Putting your spouse before yourself is crucial to making marriage work.

It is not an overstatement to say that small kindnesses in daily life can save a marriage.

Kindness shows that we value the other person. We recognize his/her needs and want to put those needs before our own. That means being alert to the way a spouse receives love.

It was clear in my conversation with John and Charlotte that they had stopped being kind to each other. Maybe one or both of them had tried to be kind when their children were young but had grown discouraged because the other person didn't seem to reciprocate. Maybe they came to believe that nothing they did would make a difference, so they gave up.

In truth, John was showing love by bringing in a good paycheck every two weeks, but Charlotte wanted him to show love by taking her out on dates. When alerted to the call to be kind, John would decide to take Charlotte out even if he thought it was a poor use of time. He would show love to her in this way because he deliberately put her needs first.

Equally, alertness to kindness calls Charlotte to see that John was working hard to provide for their family. She could appreciate his work and tell him so, even if it wasn't the primary way she wanted to be loved. Kindness would call Charlotte to sacrifice time with her friends, if needed, just as John sacrificed time at work that day. Kindness would say thank you - without implying "It's about time" - as a way of recognizing that John's time was valuable.

When love becomes a way of life in a marriage, someone cooks meals, washes dishes, vacuums floors, cleans toilets, walks the dog, trims the shrubs, pays the bills, and dresses the kids - all with a positive attitude. He or she may not use these words, but the attitude says "It is my pleasure to cook this meal for you" and "I am delighted to take the trash outside."  

John and Charlotte were in attack mode with each other. Their pride was not ready to concede that the other person could do something loving.

In marriages marked by kindness, the spouses talk to each other with respect. They speak up when they are hurt or angry, but their words always affirm each other's value.

The more we practice kindness, the more our spouse practices kindness. And remarkably, the more we are kind to a person, the warmer we feel toward him or her.

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Article written by Dr. Gary Chapman. Based on the book, Love As a Way of Life by Dr. Gary Chapman.