Hormones of Love, Desire, and Longevity

By John Gray

Oxytocin is the hormone of love, while testosterone is the hormone of desire.

When women are feeling happy and in love, their oxytocin levels are high. When men are feeling motivated, passionate and romantic, their testosterone levels are high.

These hormones of desire and love aren't just the foundation of lasting passion in our relationships. But they are essential for good health as well. That's because oxytocin and testosterone are scarce commodities in bodies flooded with stress-related cortisol.

Low Oxytocin in Women:

As a woman ages, and particularly after many years of marriage, the innocent exuberance of love and the generosity of an open heart are often lost to her. The young woman who delighted in just being taken out on a date complains later in life that her husband forgot to make reservations. She still loves him, but no longer feels in love. A part of her is held back now, remembering disappointments over the years. When the abundance of love in her heart is no longer easy to feel or share, her oxytocin levels are low.

Low Testosterone in Men:

Likewise, in a man, the natural motivation and desire to make a difference in romance becomes jaded through years of disappointment and frustration at romance. The caring young man who eagerly planned ways to please his partner resigns to his fate to mediocre contentment. Rather than planning a date, he waits until Friday night to ask his wife what she'd like to do that night. While he thinks he's being loving, he doesn't have a clue that his actions indicate that the romance is gone. He's happy, but completely unaware of the passion and fulfillment that he has lost. When he forgets to plan dates and stops being interested in her day, it's not that he doesn't love her but that his testosterone levels are low.

Fully feeling love, passion, and desire is directly linked to an abundance of testosterone in men and oxytocin in women.

For years I focused on helping young couples keep these feelings alive - and helping older couples to rekindle them - by teaching men about women and women about men. With the help of modern science, we can now also understand the gender-specific anti-stress hormones that are the subject of my new book "Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice."